I’m 23 and have had sex five times since I was 20. It has hurt every time and leaves me feeling like I’m burning inside. I’ve met a guy I like and we’ve been on a few dates. I know he’s going to expect sex soon and I can’t face the disappointment again. Makes me want to give up dating.
Painful sex is very common in women and quite common in men. While pain varies along with its cause, yours sounds like it could be caused by lack of lubrication.
As our sex ed is based on biology and not on pleasure, all we really learn is that the penis goes in the vagina. But in order for that to be comfortable and pleasurable, the female needs time to lubricate. This creates a natural slipperiness so that the penis can glide in without hurting. As this information is not available, many couples attempt penetration the first time before they are physically ready, and it only takes a couple of painful experiences to set a pain expectation.
Once the expectation is there, the muscles at the entrance to the vagina can tighten to protect you from the expected pain. This can be the start of vaginismus when the muscles become so tight that penetration is agony or impossible. In your case it sounds like the pain is inside your vagina, and that burning feeling is often due to tiny little lesions caused by friction from the penis moving inside dry vaginal walls. You may feel wet on the outside but may not be wet enough on the inside.
Get yourself some really nice organic water-based lubrication such as Yes Yes Yes and experiment alone first. Take your time and breath slowly and deeply. Apply plenty of lube to your fingers and slowly start playing at the entrance to your vagina using circular motions. Once you feel ready, try slipping a well lubed finger inside. If that feels okay, add more lube and try two then three fingers. If there’s no pain during or after, the problem has probably been lack of lubrication.
In porn and most movies, penetration happens almost instantly and the things modelled as arousing may not be in real life. So the more you explore on your own and learn what you like, the easier it will be to tell a partner. If they don’t want to slow down and give you time that is a reflection of their knowledge and skills. There’s nothing wrong with you.
While many women lubricate naturally with enough stimulation, all women will need a good lube at some stage. Just because you’re turned on in your head doesn’t always mean you’ll lubricate. Some contraceptives are notorious for killing natural lubrication, as are anti-histamines. Learn what you need to feel really turned on and don’t settle for a partner who’s only interested in his own pleasure!