As long as there’s been marriage there’s been infidelity. Historically, men were entitled to affairs, based on a belief that they are more sexual and have more needs. But when theories like these appeared nobody was asking women about their sexual desires and needs and nobody cared. The focus was on controlling female sexuality, not understanding it. As we ask the questions, we learn that women lose interest in bad sex, not great sex. There are so many long held ideas that are being blown out of the water as we finally begin to ask modern women about their sexual lives. It means we can’t rely on old adages such as “men have affairs for sex and women have them for love”. It’s way more complicated and layered than that.
What we know for sure is that men and women have affairs. Affairs aren’t always in person, can be online, with a paid professional, can be purely emotional, a casual hook-up or a lasting love affair or a behaviour that takes us from our partner, such as over-use of porn. They can mean the end of a relationship or can be transformative. They always involve secrecy and if discovered, they always cause great hurt.
Why do people have affairs? World renowned therapist, author and speaker, Esther Perel, says that while there may be a sexual element to an affair, there are often emotional needs getting met. They may feel very alone in their relationship. They might feel unimportant, invisible, disrespected, disliked, criticised, inadequate, unattractive. They may have tried to talk to their partner and been ignored or shut down. They may feel they’ve lost their identity as a sexual being since becoming a parent and partner.
Of course some people are going to cheat even if their partner is attentive and loving. They may have deeper personal reasons for this drive and may be able to change their behaviour, or may not want to. But Perel contends that the majority of people she sees who have affairs are not “bad” people. They may be lacking in confidence, communication skills, struggle with stating their needs, or get caught up in affairs without aiming to.
We know that the person who is cheated on will suffer immensely if the affair is discovered, and they’ll have society and the law on their side. Things can get very black and white with the cheater being bad and the cheatee being good. Sometimes that may be the truth but if we only approach affairs this way, there is very little to learn and no way to heal. The simple solution will be to leave the cheater because they’re bad and untrustworthy and you should have more respect for yourself.
The reality is way more layered and nuanced for most couples. It may seem clear in a new relationship, but if a couple has children, a home, have lost and loved for many years together, breaking the partnership may not be what they want. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with an affair. It comes down to the people and their situation, and what they want going forward. For some, the affair is the final nail in a couple’s coffin and what’s needed to break them up. But others may want to work on recovery and reconciliation.
The first thing to know is that if the person who has had the affair dismisses the behaviour, or their partner’s feelings, or if they underplay what happened, or try to explain it as the partner’s fault, it’s probably best to leave that relationship. Without the cheater taking full responsibility for hurting their person, and actively showing how sorry they are, there can be no healing.
Three tips from Esther for the person who had the affair:
- Acknowledge the wrong doing. Express remorse authentically for the hurt you caused, without excuses or blame. Explain why you’re sticking around and why you want the relationship with your partner and be open to their anger and blame: “I care about you. I’m sorry. You matter”.
- You become responsible for bringing up the affair, to hold vigil while your partner figures things out. You become responsible for holding the boundaries around communicating where you are, what you’re doing and who with, so your partner doesn’t have to bring it up, be obsessed and worried. “I see you in your pain – you don’t have to tell me because I notice and I want to help. I’m happy to help you to feel safe and secure”.
- Show your guilt for hurting your partner and the pain you caused. It can be really hard to tolerate the pain you caused. The temptation will be to avoid the pain, but you caused it. So it’s yours to work on WITH your person. No time limits. “ I’ll help you make sense of what happened for as long as you need”.
NB: Guilt is a relational responsibility. It shows that you understand what you did wrong and that you care and want to change. It’s not the same as shame. Shame can take us into ourselves and away from our person. When allowed to dominate it can collapse a person and then they need caring for. That will not help with recovering from an affair.
Some tips for the partner who didn’t have the affair:
- While a person may have a natural desire to know the ins and outs of the affair (no pun intended), Esther asks “Do you want your partner to know you have the question or do you want the answer”? Instead of focusing on who was better in bed, she suggests questions that could help both partners to learn more about why the affair happened and what they need to look at for recovery. “Why did it happen now and what did it mean? Did you think about us? Did you hope I’d find out? What is it about us that you value? Are you choosing me again? Are you just here because it’s easier?”
- One person had the affair but both are responsible for rebuilding, so both will need to find a way to speak about the affair and what they need going forward from each other. The recovery won’t be up to one more than the other and this can be a very hard thing to accept when you’re the person who was cheated on.
- Is the trust broken across the board? Or do you still trust him with money, kids, other responsibilities? Keep the broken trust in proportion
- With open and honest communication there can be a space for you to share what wasn’t working for you all this time and what you’d like going forward.
This is a huge and important topic that I’ve only been able to touch on in this article. While the stigma remains around affairs we now often stigmatise those who choose to stay together afterwards. But if the person who cheated can truly take responsibility and hold space for the other to feel and express, and can prove they’re trust-worthy, over time, some couples design a new relationship that honours and nourishes them both.