Many of us will remember the scene in Friends where Rachel appears dressed as Princess Leia to fulfil Ross’s biggest fantasy. Chaos and hilarity ensue as all he can see is the hot body topped with his own mother’s face. While Rachel got the outfit just right, it turned out to be more complicated than a costume. That’s how fantasy is for many of us. That’s if we get to the point of having fantasies and wanting to act them out.
The long held myth that men are visual and women are more into fantasy is being blown out of the water as modern women avail of porn in ever increasing numbers. Historically, women’s sexuality was controlled and suppressed via humiliation, ostracising, torture or death, whereas men could express sexual needs, desires and interests openly. If anything is going to create the need for female sexuality to be kept locked in their heads it’s the fear of social disgrace, punishment and death. Of course there are countries that still punish women for being sexual and 17 that still put women to death if considered promiscuous. But in countries like Ireland, everyone is watching more porn and 25% are women.
Ethical or feminist porn (not found on pornhub) is the “free range, organic” version of porn where the actors are well paid, fully consenting, cared for and having real orgasms. It’s a rapidly growing industry catering for those of us who care about what we consume, and just like anything free range and organic it comes with a price which means not everyone can avail of it, especially young people who could learn a lot about consent, pleasure and boundaries if only it was available for free on pornhub. But it’s not the content but the watching that lowers are fantasising skills, while reading or listening will engage fantasy and imagination.
The first thing needed for great fantasising is permission to go wild and be limitless. Many believe that fantasising is a form of cheating if you have a partner, while some get stuck in reality limiting themselves to their current lives.
But the literal meaning of fantasy is to imagine something highly improbable or unrealistic. By its very nature, it’s not supposed to be based in reality. That means you can be anyone, anywhere, with anybody or thing, without limiting yourself to your current age, body type, relationship, gender or species. That’s good fantasy. I hate to break it to you, but picturing yourself being pleasured by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will never threaten your real life relationship. It’s not a plan. So you don’t have to feel guilty.
When people struggle with sexual fantasy, I liken it to fantasising about holidays and cars. If I ask you what your dream holiday would be, no limits, it’s unlikely you’ll only come up with two weeks in the mobile in Wexford. You might love your Mazda, but you might dream of driving a mustang. You might love your holidays in the mobile but you might dream of exploring the Caribbean. Sexual fantasy is the same. You may be devoted to your beloved person but that doesn’t mean you can’t imagine having the body of Wonder Woman as you’re pleasured by Thor and Captain America at the same time! And it doesn’t even matter that you’re mixing up Marvel and DC because it’s your fantasy and you’re in control.
Having said that, many people enjoy fantasising about their person, but they might be doing something or are somewhere unusual or new. That can be a great way to fantasise.
Some people worry about the content of their fantasies. But we must remember that everything natural and living needs balance. There is no light without shadow. It’s okay to allow your fantasies to go dark or dangerous or even down right debauched, because it’s just your imagination and not a plan that you want to happen. It’s the place where you can be anyone and do anything without any repercussions.
It’s very important if you decide to share your fantasies, that all parties are comfortable and able to share without blame or judgement. It’s a game that you both need to enjoy playing. If not, it’s probably better not to share. Some find that sharing works for some fantasies while others are better kept private. Nobody should be pushed into sharing or hearing fantasies if they don’t enjoy it.
If you do share a fantasy and end up wanting to act it out, planning is key. What one person sees in their fantasy may be very different to what their partner envisions. I know a woman who fantasised about her partner dressed as a cowboy with leather chaps, cuban heals and a stetson. But because she didn’t know he planned to surprise her, she hadn’t gone into detail. When he turned up one night in a cheap Halloween costume of felt chaps, no hat and socks, the fantasy died right there between them.
A common fantasy to be acted out successfully is a couple dressing up and entering a bar as strangers. They make eye contact, meet, chat and flirt, and after a few drinks, end up in a hotel room for some hot stranger sex.
Fantasy can come with you wherever you go, can be private or shared, acted out or not. It can enrich and enliven flagging sex lives whether single or in relationships. Fantasy is only limited by our imagination and our imagination needs exercise. So why not put down the phone, turn off the laptop, and whisk yourself off to Antigua to meet your perfect lover for a well earned sexy pirate adventure!