The most common issue I see with couples is desire discrepancy.
Desire discrepancy usually refers to a difference in levels of sexual desire. But I’m going to refer to that as sexual desire discrepancy (SDD) and broaden out the term of desire discrepancy (DD) to encompass the wide variety of differing desires for all sorts of things besides sex. DD around adventure, spending, child-care, chores, socialising and so on are present in all relationships, and depending on how they’re negotiated, can feed or drain libidos.
Just like our desire for certain foods, drinks, adventures and friendships change and develop through life, so will our sexual desire (SD). As we age, experience life’s challenges, and our relationships mature, our desire for sexual pleasure may fluctuate as well as how we achieve pleasure. Each partner will experience these changes at different times creating SDD. Some couples negotiate the changes without trouble, by communicating, allowing for differences, and caring for each other’s needs and desires as they develop.
While the physiological challenges are addressed, such as erectile issues, sexual pain, hormones, pelvic floor health and digestion, it’s important to explore the other types of DD in the relationship.
The higher desire partner will often focus solely on SDD. Quite often this is because they feel connection and intimacy through sex. For them, having more sex seems like an obvious solution to relationship issues. That can be true of course, but if the lower desire partner needs to feel connection in non-sexual ways, and those needs are not met, sex is unlikely to work as a solution.
However when DD gets discussed, SDD is normalised and both partners can work on the areas that need help. Household responsibilities remain at the centre of many couples’ non-sexual DD. While nowadays there is more sharing of household and child rearing responsibilities, I still meet significantly more women than men who feel they carry the majority of responsibilities.
A common statement I hear from good men who love and appreciate their female partner is “all she has to do is ask. I’ll do anything for her”. The problem with this approach is that she still has to remember and plan for the chores she’ll ask him to do. The implication is that it’s her job and he’s there to “help”. True equity comes when he takes the responsibility from her totally and she no longer has to remind or ask. The practical benefit of this is that she gets more headspace and time. The emotional benefit is that she feels like she’s partnered with an equal and not a child (albeit a very bidable and helpful child).
Of course, the dynamic can exist in all kinds of relationships and can be reversed, but it would be a mistake to assume they are not still alive and present in many heterosexual relationships. A common block to real equality is that she finds it easier to just do it herself than to have to ask. She needs something done well and quickly and his version won’t be good enough. This is a lose-lose situation because while she continues to do more than her share, she is unlikely to have time to meet his needs for more sexual encounters. When a woman’s head is full, she’s going to bring all that into the bedroom and will find it incredibly difficult to focus on pleasure. Sex may become just another chore or obligation she has to fulfil, that isn’t for her, because her ability to enjoy herself is hampered by her busy head. Why would she desire to add another time consuming chore to her never ending list, when she gets so little from it? And if she feels like her needs for non-sexual connection and intimacy are not being met, why would she bother meeting the sexual needs of her person? It just makes no sense.
Because many men find connection and intimacy through sexual acts, they will miss the non-sexual elements to intimacy that are often vital for women to experience, in order for them to want to be sexual. Instead they might buy new toys, sexy lingerie etc because for them, the solution to SDD is to have more and different sexual encounters. It seems obvious to them. But for their female partners, the solution to a poor sex life is quite often found in the non-sexual. It’s about being seen and appreciated for all they carry and do. It’s about having their desires for quality time or sharing chores or compliments or whatever they need, being met so that they can get into the sexy zone.
The bottom line is, if you want more, great sex, and there is nothing physiological in the way, both partners will need to accept differences in desires, help each other, and work to negotiate how desires can be met.
For some, once the honeymoon period is over (6 months-2 years) so is the relationship. Hop-scotching from one relationship to another can be exhilarating. As hormones race around our bodies we feel sexy and funny and interesting. Faults are brushed over, warnings are ignored, snoring is cute and disagreements are funny. When things start to lose the sparkle it’s time to move on so we don’t have to acknowledge our foibles and we can avoid being the dumpee by being the dumper.
Great as that is, many choose to stay in relationships while worrying about how to be happy with a less than perfect partner. Even harder is admitting we’re not all that ourselves. It turns out that the baby voice we use to sing to our dog is highly irritating and it’s not cute when we fart.
Two things often happen at the same time after the honeymoon period. We stop making such immense efforts to impress, and we stop seeing our partner through rose tinted glasses. Perhaps there wasn’t a lot of communication in the honeymoon period about the splitting of responsibilities, decision making, sexual desires and needs. When hormones stop racing, lack of sexual skills start to show along with other cracks in the perfection facade and without solid communication couples can experience serious problems.
The dynamic in heterosexual couples of him wanting sex all the time and her withholding is certainly alive and kicking. But the reasons are way more varied and layered than they used to be. Quite frankly, women have always been brought up to be the gate-keepers of sex. We’ve been taught that sex is for men and love is for women. That “nice” girls don’t like sex and there are the girls men want to bed and those they want to marry. While these values are hopefully dying out, they were still dominant for those of us in our 40’s upwards.
As middle aged people trying hard to reinvigorate sex lives, we can find ourselves struggling to break free of such oppressive and misogynistic views intellectually, while still feeling them emotionally. Giving ourselves permission to love our bodies, our sexuality and our orgasms can be tricky, particularly when doing so may mean challenging a few more outdated values that prevent us from feeling truly equal with our male partners.
Before we move onto a common problem in heterosexual couples, it’s worth noting that within the above value system around sex, men are reduced to simpletons who are happy as long as they can get an erection and stick it into something. They sexualise everything and are always trying to find ways to get their women into bed, because that’s all they care about.
When you put modern people into these roles you’re going to run into issues. While the model has always been an unhealthy one, particularly for women, with strict gender divisions of labour and child-rearing, there was less expectation of women beyond their role as wife and mother.
Now, we are told that “women can have it all”, but what does that actually mean? It turns out that “having it all” is code for being exhausted, overwhelmed, underpaid, under pressure all the time. For heterosexual women in relationships, who grew up with the “nice girls don’t like sex” value, as they attempt to excel at work, parenting, fitness, friendships, domestic goddessing and so on, sex is likely to get pushed down the list.
If she is partnered with a man who either does not wish to pull his weight (hopefully more rare) or a “good man” who would do anything for her if only she’d ask, she will probably end up feeling completely unable to think about sexytime on top of all she carries.
She becomes the low desire partner because she literally doesn’t have the physical or mental capacity to engage in yet another act that doesn’t really do it for her for a plethora of reasons. If she makes dinner, they eat it = benefit. If she gets the laundry done = clean clothes for the week. If she has poor sex with a person who expects it even though she’s knackered = resentment and frustration, hurt and anger.
Women need more than a good man to do what she asks of him. We need men who will see all we do and plan and think about for the couple or family, and take half of that from us. He will plan when school uniforms are needed and will sort it out on time, fully, without drama. He’ll make food without asking every five minutes where things are. If he uses the last of something he’ll either have a spare already, or will tell her and replace it asap. He’ll plan the week, month or year with her so they can split the more enjoyable tasks as well as the awful ones. Most of all, he’ll notice all she does and thank her often. She will have to allow him to take more on. Allow for him to make mistakes and be human, and “good enough” will become her mantra.
When we partner this way, women tend to have more energy and band-width for romance. Importantly we feel seen and valued and partnered by our equal and not by either a critical parent for not being horny, or a giant baby who expects us to mother them and then be horny. Nobody wants to be sexy with a parent figure or giant baby, unless that’s your kink, but that’s a whole other article.
The key to great sex in long-term relationships is actually found in the non-sexual for many. Of course, no matter how much you love a person, if they don’t have the skills, sex will never be great. But that will never get sorted while there’s a gender-gap in responsibilities and time. If you want great sex with your partner, start by being an
If/when the lower desire person stops pretending they want/enjoy sex as much as their partner, sex dwindles because the higher desire partner doesn’t find unwanted sex a turn on. While the lower desire partner may feel some relief, the higher desire partner can feel very unloved and rejected.
More worrying is when sex continues even when one partner clearly isn’t enjoying it. Somehow the couple shares a value that the higher desire partner deserves to have their sexual needs met at any cost. I’ve heard women explain how they have cried openly during sex yet neither partner considers this to stop. When I meet couples with this dynamic it’s usually a case of the female partner being brought or sent to therapy to sort out their libido. She carries all the blame and responsibility for not wanting more sex, even though she hates it. In these cases there’s often so much shame around sex that she believes this is as good as it gets and she’s not “that kind of woman” that enjoys sex. When sex is reduced to a base pleasure only for men, it’s easy to see why both partners agree to have sex just for him.
This approach not only creates damage and resentment in her, but it also makes him into a perpetrator of sorts. The old belief that all men want is sex and they don’t care who with or what it’s like. This causes him to feel shame for being sexual and turns any sexual act into a selfish one for him.
In these cases there’s inevitably a lot of healing and trust building needed before libidos are addressed. A space for focus to shift from desire discrepancy to non-sexual intimacy, communication and above all time and space for healing. You can’t expect healing while the hurt is still happening.
A habit forms to allow for sex to be pushed down the priority list. Non-sexual affection may dwindle so as to avoid any possible pathway to sex or refusing sex. She may feel so full up with the day to day responsibilities that she literally has no time left to be creative, expressive or communicative about sex. She may not know what she likes these days so what’s the point in talking?
Now is not the time to buy her a big dildo or crotchless pants. Now is the time to discuss non-sexual DD and to see how she can be supported to take time for herself. The most effective way to do this is to stop waiting for her to ask or remind you to do your share of chores or organising. It’s time to take things off her list completely and to do them well.
If there are non-sexual needs to be met, they need to happen before the sexual. The higher desire partner may need to pull back, and give space by taking on more responsibilities and helping their person to rest at first. Nobody will recover their sexual life without having fuel in their tank. Another important element of recovery can be the higher desire partner showing they trust the lower desire partner to get back on track once they have some time and space for themselves, rather than policing their use of the new down time created by more equal sharing of responsibilities.
The lower desire partner will also need to take this seriously and not shame or belittle their person’s desire for an enjoyable sex life. It’s a healthy way to show love, express joy, share intimacy and feel close. It’s not uncommon for men to find connection in sexual acts so they can see sex as a fast track back to closeness. While that is their truth and should be respected, if it’s different for their partner that also needs attention. Nobody has to be wrong, and difference can push both parties into new territory and learning.
If sex isn’t enjoyable, that’s okay. But giving up on it when it’s important to your partner, without trying to work on it, is going to really hurt them. Just like them not carrying an equal share of responsibility might really hurt you.
The bottom line is, we’re not supposed to match each other all the time. We’re all going to experience SDD along with many other forms of DD. SDD itself isn’t the issue, it’s how you decide to deal with it that matters. Are you willing to push yourselves out of your comfort zones, admit you may need to learn some new things and up your game in non-sexual as well as sexual areas? The result can be life-changing and the sex that can come from two people feeling loved, cared about and respected is some of the most exciting sex to be had!