Q&A

Status Penises

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

I’m worried my penis is too small to be good in bed. I’ve slept with loads of women and only a couple have had orgasms during sex. I can last about 30 minutes and am training myself to last longer. What can I do to make my penis bigger?

 

I don’t know how big your penis is erect, but I can tell you that the average penis size is about 5 inches, depending on where you measure from (the underneath or the top-side of the base).

I’m curious to know who you’re comparing yourself to and where you get your information on what makes sex “good”. We’re bombarded with the message that “big is better” whether it’s cars, houses, boobs or penises.
Porn compounds this idea by feeding the male fantasy that big penises are desirable and necessary for great sex. But we have to remember that porn is not real and the things that porn actors appear to desire and enjoy are often not real either.

Remember the women you’re watching in porn are doing a job and they are acting. In real life, most women don’t want to be called sluts, they don’t want to “deep-throat” or have men ejaculate on their faces, and they don’t want to have prolonged intercourse with huge penises.

It’s not all about the length of your penis either. Vaginal canals vary in length and the average vaginal canal (which can expand with arousal) is similar to the average penis in length. If you can feel the tip of your penis hitting off something during deep penetration, it means you’ve reached her cervix.

In fact, men with long penises often want the feeling of deep penetration but will never experience it because there isn’t a vagina long enough for them. Men with smaller penises can engage in deeper, harder penetration without hitting their partner’s cervix. Hitting the cervix can be anything from uncomfortable to excruciating for women and usually needs to be avoided.

Real sex isn’t about stretching and hurting and pushing your partner to her limits. It’s about pleasure for both of you. Most women prefer smaller penises when giving oral as they don’t want to gag or get a sore jaw. Smaller is often preferred for anal play too, and some women don’t even want penetration.

About 85% of women don’t orgasm from penetration alone, so it sounds about right that only a couple of women have orgasmed during penetrative sex. I recommend you shift your focus from the size of your penis to your tongue and finger skills. The evidence is deafening: women much prefer a lover with a smaller or average penis who knows how to arouse them in a multitude of ways, rather than a man who thinks all he needs is a big penis and lacks skills. I’d question your need to last longer than 30 minutes too!

 

 

I could do with a little help with my erections sometimes. I’m in my 40’s, healthy and fit. I don’t smoke and drink moderately. I eat fairly well and I fancy my wife. So I think it’s just usual age stuff. I don’t want to take Viagra as I only get a bit soft sometimes, and I don’t like the sound of the side effects. What else can I do?

 

You’ve checked a lot of the boxes around your health, fitness, diet and ingestion of alcohol and tobacco. In your 40’s it’s quite natural to start noticing softer erections at times. I agree that it’s not the time for Viagra and would recommend a few other ideas first. I’d like to know if your erections are softer when you’re masturbating and if you’ve noticed a difference in the mornings. If they are softer across the board, go and get your bloods checked first.

Cardio fitness helps erections as they love strong blood flow. So what’s good for the heart is good for the penis. Your penis will thank you for healthy blood pressure, low blood sugar and low cholesterol. Stress is damaging to erections too as adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormones) flood your system telling your body to forget about erections while it tries to survive.

Next is to strengthen your pelvic floor (PC) muscles. Go online and get yourself some pelvic floor exercises for erections. Pelvic floor strength is great for erections but it’s rarely talked about. Practice clenching the muscles that stop your urine flow and pulling the anus up into the body. Those are your PC muscles working. If you want a more structured approach take a look at www.privategym.com to learn more about how important your PC muscles are.

Check that you and your wife are aware of the level of pressure and stimulation your penis needs as you age. While just thinking about your wife may have been enough to keep you hard a decade ago, you’ll need more mental and physical stimulation as you age. So will she by the way!

Masturbation is vitally important for penis health, as long as you’re masturbating in a healthy way. Three-minute hand shandy’s won’t help. Set aside two or three 30 – 40 minute sessions a week to self-pleasure. Massage all your body and all your pelvic region to get warmed up and then massage your penis before it gets erect with some gentle stretching. Bring yourself close to orgasm but then pull back (this is called edging) and try to do this three or four times per session. With a nice lube (organic coconut oil) you can try lots of new strokes, speeds and pressures. This is a penis work-out rather than getting your rocks off.

All these methods are fantastic at any stage and should not only help erections now, but should help keep that little blue pill out of your medicine cabinet.

 

 

I’m in a new relationship with a guy I really like but his penis is really long. Is it possible for a penis to be too big? I know I should like it but sometimes I avoid sex because it hurts deep inside and I’m embarrassed to say anything

 

There’s no such thing as “one size fits all” when it comes to any sexual act or body part. No two bodies are the same and no two people with have completely matching tastes. One person like might a long penis while another might enjoy a short thick one. There’s nothing wrong with either of you and with a bit of creativity you should be able to find ways to avoid that awful thumping on your cervix.

We all know that penises vary in size but it’s a little known fact that women’s vaginas also vary in length from person to person but also at different times. For example before a period the cervix can drop a little lower in the vagina and be more sensitive, and when really aroused, can raise a little to accommodate the penis. It may be that your vaginal canal is shorter than his penis. The pain you’re feeling deep inside is probably the tip of his penis hitting your cervix. He may really enjoy the sensation as it provides extra stimulation to his penis, so unless you tell him, he may never stop!

Some deep penetration positions (that may hurt you more) include him on top with your knees pulled up, or your legs round his waist or over his shoulders and traditional doggy style with your legs wide apart.

Take control of the thrusts to show him how deep he can go without hurting you. Get him to remain still while inside you and move yourself along his penis. Some good positions for this are you on top or him behind you in spooning position. A slower pace may help too. Once he understands your limits you can try all sorts of things.

 

 

Is there a bone in my boner and can it break?

 

I’ve been asked this before and the answer is that there’s no bone in a boner despite the name. So if there’s no bone, what makes a penis hard? A penis has two tubes called the copora cavernosum that fill with blood making the penis swell and get really hard. Though this is the natural way for any penis to get hard, all penises are different so some get harder or bigger than others. And sometimes the situation you’re in, medication you’re on or how worried you are can affect your erections.

Even though there’s no bone in a penis, there is a tough layer of tissue covering the tubes just under the skin, keeping everything in place. Think of the tubes as inner tubes of a tire that inflate, and the tough layer of tissue as the actual tire around them. Because the tire is so tough and dense, it can get fractured and sometimes there’s even a cracking sound, and it’s called a penis fracture. This can happen if the penis gets bent or squashed when erect. Fracturing your penis is rare, but if it happens, an ice-pack and some anti-inflammatories will help. If after time there’s pain, any little bumps appear or there is any kind of bend in the penis, get it checked out by a urologist. You’ll need to be referred by your GP and the sooner you get checked out the better!

 

 

Status Oral Pleasure – Males

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

When I’m giving my boyfriend a blow job he wants me to swallow but I hate the taste so I spit it into a tissue or go to the toilet. He moans about it every time. Who’s right?

 

If he wants you to swallow his ejaculate and you don’t like the taste, ask him to swallow it himself and see what he thinks. He shouldn’t ask you to do something he’s not willing to do himself.

If you’re okay with semen in your mouth then maybe it’s worth seeing if he can improve the taste (whether you spit or swallow). Diet plays a big part in how semen tastes. Pineapple makes it sweet while smoking, drinking, caffeine and spicy food tend to make it sour.

But remember! Even if his semen tastes like the nectar of the Gods, there should be no pressure on you to do anything you don’t want to do. Moaning is not sexy and tends to kill any motivation so if he wants to keep getting blow jobs, maybe he needs to keep his moans to those of pleasure.

 

 

Status Male Sexual Problems

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

What are the most common sexual problems for men?

 

Men ask me this all the time!

Premature or rapid ejaculation, erectile problems and performance anxiety are the most common issues. They often appear in combinations and one can lead to another. For example, a man with erectile problems will often develop performance anxiety and may try to rush intercourse before he loses his erection, which over time can lead to rapid ejaculation (RE). Men’s sexual problems are often over-simplified to purely physiological and while sometimes they may be caused by surgery, illness, injury, medication or age, there is usually a psychological and often a relational impact to be addressed too.

Men tend not to look for help early. Whether single or in relationships, issues with performance significantly impact their confidence and before long unhelpful thought and expectation habits build. By the time I see them there is usually work needed to break those habits and build new, helpful ones. The sooner they look for help, the less ingrained the habits tend to be.

The good news is that there are masses of ways to improve these problems. Depending on the cause, it may be necessary to alter ideas of what great sex means. People can find this challenging but physiological changes are inevitable and all men will experience problems with function at some point. Best to get help sooner and not suffer in silence.

 

 

Status Male Orgasms

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

Can men have multiple orgasms?

 

Because ejaculation and orgasm usually happen at the same time, we think they’re the same thing, but they aren’t, and while most men experience one ejaculation, they can have lots of orgasms. It’s also worth noting that you can have dry or non-ejaculatory orgasms with or without an erection.

Some men experience dry orgasms by surprise and don’t know how to have another. But others choose to learn breathing techniques and ways to move their sexual energy around their body so they control when, and how many times that energy peeks.

Tantra offers skills and knowledge based on ancient wisdom and understanding of the body, spirit, mind and energy. I love Barbara Carrellas’ modern take in her book Urban Tantra.

For any work related to orgasm or ejaculatory control, what we’ve been told historically about distracting ourselves and thinking unsexy thoughts is completely unhelpful. It takes us out of the moment and away from our partners, and leaves orgasm/ejaculatory control up to chance. It takes time and patience, but it’s definitely possible for men to have multiple orgasms.

 

 

Status Do Men Have G-Spots?

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

Do men have G-spots?

 

The male G-spot is actually his prostate gland, which is about the size of a walnut and is found about two inches inside the anal canal on the front wall (facing his tummy). The prostate gland helps control urine release (it’s right below the bladder) and also produces some seminal fluid.

There’s plenty of research showing the health benefits of prostate massage (sometimes called “milking”) and there are specialist clinics and expensive equipment to do the job. But it’s pretty easy to do yourself, and many men enjoy prostate massage immensely as part of sexual play. The prostate can be stimulated externally by massaging the perineum (or taint), the smooth area between the testicles and the anus. All men are different, so some will find this fantastic, but others, not so much. Experiment with pressure and touch and add lube for extra sexy slip. Some men find that firm pressure on the perineum with fingers, or light touch with a vibrator, can help with erections and/or ejaculation.

Internal stimulation of the prostate can lead to explosive orgasms for some men. But it’s not something that should ever be attempted without discussion, some reliable education and good communication in the moment. Porn is not your ally when it comes to learning anything about anal play. As with the female G-spot it’s best to get really warmed up before trying anything and the person being penetrated needs to be in complete control. I love Charlie Glickman’s The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure for reliable, sex positive tips.

 

 

Status Older Sexuality

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

I have chronic lower back pain for the last two years and I don’t know if I’ll ever be rid of it. My wife and I have avoided sex in case we make my back worse, and we kept expecting it to get better. But if it doesn’t get better, is that the end of our sex-life?

 

I’m sorry to hear you have chronic back pain and I know from personal experience just how debilitating it can be. As I don’t know the cause of your pain, it’s very hard for me to make suggestions, so I’ll try to give a few options and hope one of them is helpful. I’m not a medic or expert in back pain so anything I suggest would need to be checked with your doctor before you try it, to ensure no further damage is done.

You’re never going back to what you had, but there are lots of ways to experience intimacy and pleasure if you are willing to experiment. Planning your new sex-life together can be very bonding and can add sparkle to your relationship again. Chronic pain can rob you of so many things, but for those determined souls, it can also bring new beginnings.

Tell your wife you miss being intimate with her and share what you both miss. While you both might miss sexual intimacy, it could be for different reasons. For example, one of you might miss the physicality of sex and the other might miss the closeness it brings.

It’s vital that you both communicate at every stage because you may both feel worried before and during anything you try. Partners can worry just as much as the sufferers and can be terribly afraid of causing pain to the person they love. In fact many partners of chronic pain sufferers develop their own problems around sexual intimacy which is another really good reason to discuss sex with your wife prior to trying anything.

Start gently with kissing and caressing and see how that goes. Give feedback and be positive and reassuring to each other. Try snuggling in bed together naked, holding each other and looking in each other’s eyes. Tell each other how you feel and what you love about each other. This approach helps to calm and build confidence which you both may need after such a long hiatus.

This may be a new way for you both and will need communication skills and a willingness to be vulnerable together. Many couples living with chronic pain report that when they engage in this kind of sexual play, they experience intimacy on a whole new level because they actually take time to connect deeper than before.

Get yourselves lots of pillows and cushions or invest in a sex supporter. Liberator is a good make for sex cushions and wedges and can be bought on Amazon. This is where you’re going to need to experiment with positions to find what’s comfortable for you both.

If you find standing good, you can experiment with your wife at the edge of the bed/sofa/chair, either bending over (try pillows under her hips) for rear entry, or facing you with her legs spread so you can penetrate without bending (pillows under her bum). Take time to get the heights right so there’s no strain.

Spooning can work too for penetration from behind, but this is best suited to longer penises.

Take your time and try not to judge yourselves based on what used to work. Think of yourselves as first-timers again and be open to learning. Change positions if you need, and remember makes perfect.

If you’re on opioids or other heavy meds, they may impact your erections so talk to your doc about what can be done to help. And finally, get yourselves some nice lubrication and use it for hand stimulation and any penetration to ensure comfort and pleasure.

 

 

What’s the best sexual position for someone with arthritis in all the joints? I’m not on much medication and try to manage it with exercise and diet but I find I can’t hold myself up with my arms any more, and thrusting can hurt. I’m at a bit of a loss as missionary was our favourite position. My wife also has sore hands and wrists. We miss it.

 

It sounds like it’s time to mix it up! You’re right not to continue with positions that hurt you, but there are plenty more ways to make love.

Chat to your wife first about trying new positions and see what you can both feel okay trying. If her knees are okay, you could try her on top. You can be propped up or lying flat and she can use your chest, or the wall/bedhead to steady herself. This way you can give feedback, kiss and look at each other as with missionary. You can also try having your wife straddle you while you sit on a comfy chair. It needs to be a kitchen style chair, low enough for her feet to touch the ground so she can balance and control her movements. Your job is to stay still and let her take control of the thrusting. If you find your wife’s weight too much for your hips, you can try lying side-by-side and she can throw a leg over you and wriggle herself into a position where you can penetrate, and once you’re inside, she can move herself along your penis while you’re fully supported. This can be a nice position if you’re both a bit tired too.

Pillows and supports can be great and if you go to www.liberator.com you can check out their “position guide” for ideas for supported positions. Some won’t suit as they aren’t specifically aimed at people with pain, but many will, and it’s a great place to learn how to use supports.

 

 

I’m 52 and until I had my last period two years ago I was able to feel turned on. My husband of 25 years still wants to have sex but I could quite easily never have sex again. When we do have sex it hurts though we still do the same things as before. I feel bad for him but I don’t want to do it if it hurts. Help!

 

You’ve officially hit menopause when you haven’t had a period for a full year. Only then will you be offered HRT because your hormones need to have balanced out a bit before they know what to give you. Some women can’t take HRT or don’t want to, but there are natural alternatives now. Check out https://mysecondspring.ie/blog/have-you-heard-of-bio-identical-hormone-treatment.

Lubrication usually significantly decreases with menopause due to lowered oestrogen that can also cause thinning of the vaginal walls. If your sexual repertoire is unchanged since pre-menopause, the pain you experience may be due to friction caused by dryness.

A topical oestrogen cream will help with this, and always use a good organic lubrication such as Yes Yes Yes. Apply generously inside your vagina as well as all over anything that will be used to penetrate you, and reapply often.

If you have a willing partner, now’s the time discover new ways to connect sexually with and without penetration. You’ve changed so you’re never going back to what you had. While sex before may have been a three-course meal with penetration as the main dish, try to think of it as a table of tapas. You may have your favourites but if they’re not on the menu, there’s no need to starve! Read the above Q&A for suggestions around masturbation (to learn what you need now) and female arousal. Be gentle with yourself and don’t give up!

 

 

Status Masturbation / Self-loving / Self-pleasure

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

Is it excessive to masturbate 4 or 5 times a week?

 

It’s great to masturbate regularly and 4 or 5 times a week is nowhere near being a problem. In fact, there’s some solid research showing that men’s prostate health is helped by ejaculating between 5 and 7 times a week.

It’s a lot easier to tell a partner what you like if already know. Women who masturbate regularly to orgasm tend to have higher desire than those who don’t. The vagina is kept at optimum health through regular lubrication, best achieved via masturbation.

It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female or other, masturbation is a positive and healthy thing to do for your mood, confidence and sexual knowledge, once you enjoy it.

For all people, there are helpful and not so helpful ways to masturbate. Many people develop masturbatory styles when young and stick to them. This can be limiting if they tend towards fast and furious action. It’s always fun to try new techniques, toys, lubes, positions and even places.

As with any behaviour, masturbation is only a problem if your work, social life, finances or health are being impacted negatively. Otherwise, you have my blessing!

 

 

Status Educating Our Children & Young People

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

I worry about my 14-year-old daughter’s safety when she goes out. She wants to wear really short shorts, fake tan and bare legs. Her bum cheeks are hanging out. I don’t think it’s a safe way to dress but I don’t want to frighten her. What can I do?

 

You’re right to worry about her safety and the fact that you do is a credit to you. I suspect that even if she left the house wearing a bee keeper’s suit you’d still worry.

It’s your job as a parent to guide your daughter and empower her to make her own, good decisions. Forcing her to wear what makes you feel better, or keeping her in, won’t prepare her for the real world which she will have to navigate eventually.

In order to create a safer environment for all kids to socialise in, what needs to be taught is respect, boundaries, how to hear “no”, how to say “no”, communication, negotiation, body language and empathy. Take gender out of the equation completely, and teach compassion towards all people regardless of gender, class, religion, orientation, size, shape or ability. Parents need to model this for their kids by living it themselves, and by showing genuine pride when they witness kindness, courage and self-respect.

But in the meantime, here are some tips:

  • Ask for details of what a night out entails, including the good and bad bits
  • Listen to her lived experience so you can offer relevant support, without judging
  • Make her education about general safety – and that includes sex
  • Explain that drink/drugs diminish your capacity to make good decisions and to stay safe
  • Teach her and her friends to stick together and check on each other regularly
  • Give her scenarios and get her to figure them out
  • Get her to practice what she’d say out loud, in tricky situations.
  • Teach her how to set her own boundaries and stick to them (start at home)
  • Helping her to trust her gut starts with you trusting her gut and yours (get her to practice)
  • Most importantly, tell her that if the slightest thing ever happens to her or her friends, she can always tell you. You won’t blame her or get angry. You will help and support
  • Repeat often

 

 

Ever since we got our boy out of nappies he’s wanted to put his hands down his pants and play with himself (he’s three). He says it “feels good”. We don’t mind so much at home but I’m mortified in front of friends and family. What can we do?

 

Your boy is doing something natural and healthy, and at three he’s able to grasp the idea of public and private. Explain that everybody does this because they agree with him that it feels great. But he doesn’t see them doing it because they do it alone. They keep it private because it’s just for them, and they prefer not to see others doing it.

It’s a special time for him to love himself and feel pleasure and it isn’t for anyone else to see or be a part of. You can come up with a code for it and offer him space each day for his private play. Go with him and settle him in his room so he knows it’s not a punishment or something to be ashamed of and praise him for learning what’s private and what’s public. You’ll need to be consistent, calm and non-shaming. As he’s only three, you might want to simply ignore the behaviour at home so he doesn’t feel excluded from family time, and then enforce the rule when out or with friends. See what works for you as a family.

 

 

My daughter and I are very close and she tells me everything. She has just told me that one of the girls in her class was giving blowjobs to boys at a party. She’s 13 and the boys were a few years older. There were possibly about five boys lining up for their turn and taking photos. The girl doesn’t have many friends and is acting like she thinks it’s cool, but she’s being called a slut now. My daughter doesn’t want me to interfere.

 

It’s great that you have a close relationship with your daughter and that she trusts you. While you don’t want to lose that trust by “interfering”, there is an opportunity here to help these young people.

What you’re describing isn’t unusual unfortunately. It’s become quite common for some young girls to give oral sex to boys as a way to become popular. Double standards create a context where the boys get celebrated for their prowess and the girls get labelled “sluts” and ironically are often rejected by their peers.

It’s an example of how porn culture influences behaviours. While not all young people use porn or are influenced by it equally, the act of giving several males oral pleasure in a public setting is unlikely to be a dream come true for a happy, empowered 13 year old girl with no connection to porn.

While most adults filter the porn they watch, young kids don’t. They often watch it together and/or share scenes they’ve found to be funny or shocking, and over time, things like blowjobs become as tame as a peck on the cheek. Some want to act out what they see and because they’re kids, they can’t easily conceptualise the consequences.

Many kids can feel troubled and conflicted by acting out sex scenes for various reasons. They may not feel ready themselves, they may not feel safe or connected, or they may have been coerced or pressured. But there’s a bravado that goes with porn culture and kids want to feel cool and accepted so they often play along and can’t say anything.

Kids who engage in acts that put them at risk either physically, emotionally or socially will often live with deep levels of shame and self-loathing. They discover that, unlike the porn value, in reality, it isn’t that sexy being objectified, used and labelled. Once a person has a reputation it’s not easy to lose, and they are likely to take it with them into later life.

Here are some things you could do:

  • Sit your daughter down and (if you haven’t already) thank her for trusting you and for caring enough about the girl to tell
  • Ask her what she would want if she was that girl
  • Explore with her what she might be able to do to support the girl
  • Ask her what she thinks needs to be done and why
  • Find out her reason for not wanting you to interfere
  • Explain the concept of bystander power*
  • Explain that even though it may be difficult for your daughter for a while, it’s your duty as a human being to try to help
  • Explore having the girl over for a chat
  • Explore having the boys over for a chat about self respect and respect for others
  • Explain how actions and behaviours don’t make a person. Just like some “nice” boys might do unkind or stupid things sometimes, girls should be afforded the same opportunity for forgiveness

* Bystander power is simply the most effective way to combat bullying or any type of antisocial behaviour. If people club together to challenge bad behaviour they have the power to stop the behaviour. For more information check out The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso.

 

 

My brother’s boy of six has started telling his parents that another cousin has been teaching him stuff involving the 6-year-old playing with the cousin’s penis. The cousin is 13. I just can’t believe it. It’s ripping the family apart and the two dads aren’t talking to each other. The 13-year-old’s dad says there’s no way it happened and the 6 year old’s dad says it definitely did. Could the 6-year-old be making it up? – A concerned uncle

 

What a difficult and painful situation for everyone. I think it’s quite common for adults to want to wish away such hurt, for themselves and their children. Sometimes, imagining a child has lied can be easier than coming to terms with the accusation being true. But in reality, it’s more common for kids to deny that real abuse happened, than to make it up.

As their uncle, I would suggest you believe the 6-year-old and don’t blame the 13-year-old. Try to help their dads to see both kids as potential victims to something bigger, and to get the right help for all the families, not just the kids.

While concerned adults will often jump into action and protection modes, they are also dealing with their own trauma, and may need to talk to a professional to help cope with their own guilt at not protecting their child, and to process the actual abuse. That goes for the families of both children by the way.

Both children need to be supported (separately) by counsellors who specialise in sexual trauma. Art, play or drama therapy can all be excellent ways to provide kids with a means of expressing themselves when they may not have the vocabulary or awareness to do so verbally.

While the age difference between the boys is a concern, it’s not uncommon for children to play games with each other involving nakedness and touch. It isn’t sexual for them like it is for adults. It’s about learning and experimenting. Because we’re so protective or our children, for good reason, it’s easy to panic. But there may be a chance that this was simply a game and nobody was abused. It’s worth finding that out from the children, and not projecting adult fears onto the situation.

During the therapeutic process, where the level of abuse/damage can be established, it’s vital that concerned adults don’t add more shame or trauma to the child’s experience. If the little boy experienced the game as fun and funny, and isn’t showing signs of trauma, it’s important that the adults acknowledge that and don’t get caught up in the “what ifs”. Then the best approach may be to focus more on teaching him about public and private, how to set boundaries and how to say (and hear) “no”.

It’s also vital to learn how the 13-year-old came up with the game and if he’s had any experiences that need exploring. He’ll also need a lot of help to learn healthy behaviour going forward.

Both kids could be worrying about their dads fighting and blaming themselves and this is worth considering as a family.

Try www.cari.ie for advice.

 

 

My son is six and a very normal, healthy and happy kid. We haven’t told him anything about the birds and the bees yet. But he’s started wanting to go for sleep-overs with a friend who has an older brother. I’m worried my son will be exposed to something before he’s old enough so I won’t let him go. But not being old enough won’t be a good enough reason soon.

 

It’s great that you’re concerned about your boy, and natural to want to keep him safe. As you know, the world we grew up in is gone and the ease with which kids can access adult material is frightening. We focus mainly on sexual content, forgetting that violence, lack of empathy and overstepping boundaries are also modelled.

If you’re only worried about sexual material, I invite you to broaden the scope of your concern, because your child will be better equipped to manage difficult situations in general if he understands his own right to say “no” and to have that respected. Teaching empathy helps kids to respect others’ boundaries and to figure out if particular behaviours they might witness (online or in person) are kind or mean. A lot of free porn is violent and disrespectful and if a child is really clear on their own standards around violence and respect, they find it easier to draw lines with sexual content.

If you teach your child about boundaries you’ll need to model that by allowing him to hold his own. This may mean giving him choices around who he kisses and hugs for example. If you break his boundaries and explain that “sometimes it’s okay” he’ll be very confused in a real situation so even though it might be annoying at times if you can’t help him get dried or dressed, it will pay off in the long run.

You could also have a chat with the parents of his friend and ask them what their policy is on access to the internet. They may have rules in place that will ease your worry. This can be tricky, but if you approach it gently it can be a great way to build trust as they’ll know their child is safe with you too. If they get offended or have not rules, then maybe it’s not the house for your son to visit and it’s better you know in advance.

 

 

The other day we were on a long drive and our three year-old daughter was dozing in the back. But when I looked to see if she was okay, I noticed her rubbing her teddy against her privates. She was totally happy and unselfconscious. I asked her what she was doing and she said “Teddy makes me feel good”. We were silenced and just left her to it. Is that normal?

 

It’s totally normal, and well done for not shaming her. She’s learned young (as many do) how to feel pleasure. It’s simply pleasure and not “sexual pleasure” as adults experience it. All you need to do is help her to understand public and private. She’s a great age to learn that certain touch is just for her and nobody else. That lots of people do it but in private because it’s just for them. Keep it simple with lots of repetition and if there’s a chance of other adults seeing her and shaming her, you could warn them that it’s not how you’re doing things.

 

 

Status Sexual Communication

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

My boyfriend’s idea of seduction is to wake me up and display his huge boner. I’m delighted to be getting some but do wish for a little less of the macho lead-in. Any suggestions?

 

You clearly enjoy being sexual with your partner and appreciate his attention. But you need to talk. Sleepy sex can be a lovely part of a varied sexual repertoire, but not everyone wants it on a regular basis. The “waker” will usually get their needs met as they will already be turned on before they involve the “wakee”, and are often ready to go. This can mean that foreplay or making an effort slide down the priority list.

Is sleepy sex something you want, and if so, how often? presuming it is, the conversation needs to focus on how he can warm you up. Take time to imagine what would work, remembering that you probably won’t be in the mood for massive amounts of action.

Tell him you’d like him to gently wake you with things that turn you on. Sleepy sex is often best approached softly, slowly and sensuously when it’s a woman being woken. She’ll need physically to lubricate and mentally to become aroused in order to enjoy penetration. (if you’re aiming for penetration)

He may need to begin by kissing your neck and whispering sexy loving things in your ear. If he’s good with his hands/mouth, maybe he could wake you with some delicious touch rather than a baton in the back. Always have some good quality lubrication in case you need it.

 

 

My husband won’t touch me anymore and has told me to get out of the way of the TV when I tried to seduce him with sexy underwear. I was mortified and have given up. I’m so alone and feel so lonely. I don’t know what happened. He won’t talk to me.

 

I’m so sorry you’re in this lonely place. It sounds like you’re being stonewalled by your husband, making dialogue impossible. Stonewalling is often a coping mechanism used by those who don’t know how to communicate and are unable to find a way forward.

While everyone is entitled to go through low patches and to lose their libido, it’s not okay to withdraw all communication and affection from your partner, and it’s not okay to be mean.
Some people shut down completely when struggling because they can’t explain what’s wrong and they don’t know what to do, while some stonewall their partner but remain open to others.

It’s important that your husband knows he’s stonewalling you and how hurtful it is, and it’s particularly important if you have children on the receiving end too. It also makes no sense to have him in the driving seat when it appears clear that he’s stuck. It’s time for you to take the wheel and suggest something new.

The ideal would be for both of you to attend therapy, either together or separately, but if he won’t go, then go on your own. Be clear and honest about what you need, want and won’t accept. You can’t control or force him, just give him your truth and let him decide what he wants to do about it. If you want intimacy you may need to hear some hard truths too before repair can happen. Sometimes partners choose to change, and sometimes they don’t.

In the mean-time, adjust your focus from him to you. Find ways to strengthen and pamper yourself and spend time with people who make you feel good, and now would be a great time for lots of self-loving (masturbation). Remind yourself of your sexiness!

 

 

When my girlfriend and I have a fight she refuses to let me touch her for days after even though we’ve made up. She sometimes even sleeps in the spare room. How can I change this?

 

  • Do you notice a difference in how she behaves depending on what you fight over?
  • Is this all the time no matter what the fight is about?
  • Does it only happen when the fight is of certain significance?
  • Do you find yourselves fighting over the same things repeatedly?
  • Is there a winner?
  • Is there a pattern to your fights?
  • How do you make up?

The answers to these questions could give you some vital insight and clues as to how to rectify the situation.

It sounds like she is not finished with the fight for some reason, even if you are. Is it possible that she isn’t satisfied with the outcome? Does she feel rail-roaded or unheard? Does she feel shut down or patronised?

Are you trying to touch her intimately before she’s had time to adjust to the fight being over?

After a fight, many men find being sexual gives them a feeling of connection and reassurance but many women need to feel connected and reassured in order to want to be sexual. There’s nothing wrong with either approach but if you are different, it can lead to difficulties. Men get labelled as always sexualising everything, and women as withholding. But perhaps both are just wanting to feel close and yet they find different ways to get there.

Can you talk to her when you’re not fighting? While most people avoid difficult conversations when feeling close, it’s better than when you’re already angry or hurt. Introduce the topic by saying you’d like to see if there’s a better way to make up as you miss her. Own your own behaviour so all the focus isn’t on hers. Ask her what she needs to recover quicker. What can you do differently? She may not have the answer to that so you might need to be patient and tease it out with her, remembering she may feel vulnerable even talking about it. Go slow, and stay curious. Don’t ask the questions unless you’re willing to hear the answers and make some changes.

 

 

Status Loss of Desire

Published on by Emily Power Smith

 

Dear Emily,
I’m a 27-year old woman and am living with my boyfriend for two years now. We’ve been together three years. In the last year, my sex drive has nearly disappeared. I can’t tell if it’s because there’s something wrong with me, or I’m not attracted to him anymore. I still think he’s handsome but when he touches me now, I just stiffen and try to avoid any contact that could lead to sex.

 

There are lots of possible causes for your lowered desire, so here are a few things to check.

Have you started taking a contraceptive pill in the last year?
Some pills kill libido and can prevent a woman from lubricating naturally (which leads to painful sex). Ask your doctor for a different form of contraception such as the Nuva Ring.

Are you taking medications such as anti-depressants, or pain medication?
SSRI’s and opiates can be desire destroyers. Sometimes it’s a balancing act to find a way to control pain/depression and maintain a sex drive. Don’t settle. If your doctor won’t explore other options with you, go to a different doctor. There may be an alternative, but unfortunately sometimes there isn’t.

How’s your general health and stress levels?
If you’re constantly tired, over-worked, worried and stressed, you may be producing too much cortisol and adrenaline. They dampen testosterone which is vital for libido in both men and women. With fatigue, people often turn to caffeine and sugar for a boost. The bad news is, an overload of these may also lower libido due to causing hormonal imbalances.

Do you feel attractive, interesting and valued by your partner?
Once the “honeymoon” period ends (between 6 months and two years), and partners begin to feel comfortable with each other, and their hormones are no longer racing, there can be a gap where effort needs to now be made. Women tend not to just need foreplay in bed, but throughout the day. I call it foreplay, for foreplay, for sex. This form of foreplay is not sexual and may not be physical. It’s when her partner shows her that he desires all of her, and not just her body.

Do you masturbate?
Women who masturbate tend to have higher sex drives, more confidence, and are more orgasmic with partners. However it’s not uncommon for people to stop masturbating once in a relationship as they want to rely solely on their partner for pleasure. It seems to me to be a misguided idea of romantic love. Some people even think of it as almost cheating.

Do you enjoy sex when you have it?
Again, once the honeymoon period is over, it’s time to put in some effort and check that the techniques that worked a dream at the start, are still working. Often they aren’t. With high levels of sex hormones racing through our veins, at the start, the mere thought of seeing our lover can be enough to excite us. But as the hormones return to normal, it’s usual for people to need more, and different kinds of touch. Females tend to need more reminders through the day that they are desired. Are you getting enough of what you need to be turned on? When you are sexual, is it what you want and need?

 

 

Why do women go from exciting to boring in bed? We used to have amazing sex with loads of positions. Now she only wants missionary position in bed, and even then she says she’s not in the mood about half the time.

 

In the first stage of most relationships, everything is new and exciting. Our hormones are racing, so attraction, desire and arousal seem natural and effortless. Trying lots of positions may be a real turn on for both partners but it’s normal that over time, you’ll find a favourite. Have you asked your partner why she only wants missionary position and why only half the time?
Maybe she finds it hard to feel close and connected to you during sex in certain positions. The sexual act itself doesn’t bring intimacy for many women, whereas it can for me. She may want face-to-face sex so she can look in your eyes and kiss you, and see your body. She may like the angle of the penetration in missionary – many women do. She may find that changing positions breaks her rhythm. While men tend to be able to change positions and maintain their arousal, if a woman is enjoying a certain motion, changing it can often ruin her arousal and she has to start again.

You could be getting different things from sex. While you enjoy changing positions, she might enjoy feeling close. Many women report that they’d prefer less positions and more time spent on building their pleasure (which often means staying put). She may wish to explore the different ways sex can make her feel emotionally and energetically, rather than physically. I think both ways are important and valid. It’s worth having a really good chat with her about this with an open mind. There may be lots to learn from sticking to one position for a while, and exploring what’s possible.

Another reason she may be insisting on one position is to counter your demands for numerous positions. Maybe she feels she did it your way for ages and she wants you to listen to her needs. If you can do that, and tell her you’re doing it because her needs are important to you, she may feel more open to alternatives. But not straight away.

The final thing to check is how you’re approaching her for sex. It sounds like you do most of the initiating and are only successful 50% of the time. If you’re together more than six months, she may need a new approach. Her hormones aren’t racing the same so she needs more time to get in the mood. Remember to romance her, complement her and show interest in her as a person, not just sexually. Try taking penetration off the cards for a few weeks and learn how to pleasure each other in other ways. This can be a great way to re-connect.

 

 

My partner and I have been together for six years and I’ve always wanted way more sex than he does. I was okay with this to begin with but now the disparity makes me anxious when I approach him for sex because I don’t know if I will be rejected or not – I want sex about twice a week where as he is okay with twice a month. I’ve found myself becoming much shyer around other men over the years and definitely think I’ve lost confidence in my own attractiveness as a woman

 

What a painful situation you’re in. The first thing to recognise is that desire discrepancy is to be expected. It’s pretty impossible for two different people to have the exact same levels of desire all the time, and while you may have higher desire now, it could alternate over time. Once you recognise this fact, it can become easier to cope with any change.

However, it sounds as though the disparity has existed since you first got together. Possibly there was a “honeymoon” period where it was less obvious, but you’ve been living with this for a long time. Do you talk to each other about it? Have you been able to learn what your partner feels about the difference?

The best place to start is with a loving and frank dialogue to help both of you understand the situation better.

Some useful questions could be:
Has your partner noticed a drop in his libido over the years?
Does he masturbate? (it’s a healthy thing for him to do, but if he’s doing it a lot more than being intimate with you, it may need tweaking)
Does he enjoy being sexual with you/alone?
What does he like about each?

How is his general health? How is your relationship apart from sex?

Time your conversations and don’t go over about 20 minutes until you get used to talking. It can be exhausting and stressful if you’re not used to it.

Men are often expected to have higher desire levels than women, and the reasons for this are too complicated and numerous to explore here. But the result of that expectation is that men can feel embarrassed or defensive when they’re the lower desire partner, and can be hurtful and rejecting to cover their feelings.

The female partner will often take their partner’s low desire personally, particularly if they feel rejected, and over time is likely to lose confidence. Underneath the loss of confidence, there may be an unhelpful belief that “if I was attractive enough, my male partner would fancy me more”. But it’s rarely that simple, because – shock horror! Men aren’t the sex-mad simpletons they’re portrayed to be, and are as susceptible to fatigue, stress, hormone imbalances, relational worries and low confidence, as women.

It’s important to know that there’s nothing wrong with either of you, or your levels of desire. His libido may not be a sign of anything worrying and he may be very happy with it. If that’s the case, it’s back to you and how you can look after your own needs in between sexy times with your partner.

Get yourself a lovely sex toy, some yummy lube, and carve out a bit of time to make love to yourself. Remember that your attractiveness to others has nothing to do with your partners libido, and orgasmic women tend to feel better about themselves and more attractive too. You deserve to enjoy yourself sexually as much as you want/need, but you may not get to do that with your partner every time.