Dear Emily,
I’m a 27-year old woman and am living with my boyfriend for two years now. We’ve been together three years. In the last year, my sex drive has nearly disappeared. I can’t tell if it’s because there’s something wrong with me, or I’m not attracted to him anymore. I still think he’s handsome but when he touches me now, I just stiffen and try to avoid any contact that could lead to sex.
There are lots of possible causes for your lowered desire, so here are a few things to check.
Have you started taking a contraceptive pill in the last year?
Some pills kill libido and can prevent a woman from lubricating naturally (which leads to painful sex). Ask your doctor for a different form of contraception such as the Nuva Ring.
Are you taking medications such as anti-depressants, or pain medication?
SSRI’s and opiates can be desire destroyers. Sometimes it’s a balancing act to find a way to control pain/depression and maintain a sex drive. Don’t settle. If your doctor won’t explore other options with you, go to a different doctor. There may be an alternative, but unfortunately sometimes there isn’t.
How’s your general health and stress levels?
If you’re constantly tired, over-worked, worried and stressed, you may be producing too much cortisol and adrenaline. They dampen testosterone which is vital for libido in both men and women. With fatigue, people often turn to caffeine and sugar for a boost. The bad news is, an overload of these may also lower libido due to causing hormonal imbalances.
Do you feel attractive, interesting and valued by your partner?
Once the “honeymoon” period ends (between 6 months and two years), and partners begin to feel comfortable with each other, and their hormones are no longer racing, there can be a gap where effort needs to now be made. Women tend not to just need foreplay in bed, but throughout the day. I call it foreplay, for foreplay, for sex. This form of foreplay is not sexual and may not be physical. It’s when her partner shows her that he desires all of her, and not just her body.
Do you masturbate?
Women who masturbate tend to have higher sex drives, more confidence, and are more orgasmic with partners. However it’s not uncommon for people to stop masturbating once in a relationship as they want to rely solely on their partner for pleasure. It seems to me to be a misguided idea of romantic love. Some people even think of it as almost cheating.
Do you enjoy sex when you have it?
Again, once the honeymoon period is over, it’s time to put in some effort and check that the techniques that worked a dream at the start, are still working. Often they aren’t. With high levels of sex hormones racing through our veins, at the start, the mere thought of seeing our lover can be enough to excite us. But as the hormones return to normal, it’s usual for people to need more, and different kinds of touch. Females tend to need more reminders through the day that they are desired. Are you getting enough of what you need to be turned on? When you are sexual, is it what you want and need?
Why do women go from exciting to boring in bed? We used to have amazing sex with loads of positions. Now she only wants missionary position in bed, and even then she says she’s not in the mood about half the time.
In the first stage of most relationships, everything is new and exciting. Our hormones are racing, so attraction, desire and arousal seem natural and effortless. Trying lots of positions may be a real turn on for both partners but it’s normal that over time, you’ll find a favourite. Have you asked your partner why she only wants missionary position and why only half the time?
Maybe she finds it hard to feel close and connected to you during sex in certain positions. The sexual act itself doesn’t bring intimacy for many women, whereas it can for me. She may want face-to-face sex so she can look in your eyes and kiss you, and see your body. She may like the angle of the penetration in missionary – many women do. She may find that changing positions breaks her rhythm. While men tend to be able to change positions and maintain their arousal, if a woman is enjoying a certain motion, changing it can often ruin her arousal and she has to start again.
You could be getting different things from sex. While you enjoy changing positions, she might enjoy feeling close. Many women report that they’d prefer less positions and more time spent on building their pleasure (which often means staying put). She may wish to explore the different ways sex can make her feel emotionally and energetically, rather than physically. I think both ways are important and valid. It’s worth having a really good chat with her about this with an open mind. There may be lots to learn from sticking to one position for a while, and exploring what’s possible.
Another reason she may be insisting on one position is to counter your demands for numerous positions. Maybe she feels she did it your way for ages and she wants you to listen to her needs. If you can do that, and tell her you’re doing it because her needs are important to you, she may feel more open to alternatives. But not straight away.
The final thing to check is how you’re approaching her for sex. It sounds like you do most of the initiating and are only successful 50% of the time. If you’re together more than six months, she may need a new approach. Her hormones aren’t racing the same so she needs more time to get in the mood. Remember to romance her, complement her and show interest in her as a person, not just sexually. Try taking penetration off the cards for a few weeks and learn how to pleasure each other in other ways. This can be a great way to re-connect.
My partner and I have been together for six years and I’ve always wanted way more sex than he does. I was okay with this to begin with but now the disparity makes me anxious when I approach him for sex because I don’t know if I will be rejected or not – I want sex about twice a week where as he is okay with twice a month. I’ve found myself becoming much shyer around other men over the years and definitely think I’ve lost confidence in my own attractiveness as a woman
What a painful situation you’re in. The first thing to recognise is that desire discrepancy is to be expected. It’s pretty impossible for two different people to have the exact same levels of desire all the time, and while you may have higher desire now, it could alternate over time. Once you recognise this fact, it can become easier to cope with any change.
However, it sounds as though the disparity has existed since you first got together. Possibly there was a “honeymoon” period where it was less obvious, but you’ve been living with this for a long time. Do you talk to each other about it? Have you been able to learn what your partner feels about the difference?
The best place to start is with a loving and frank dialogue to help both of you understand the situation better.
Some useful questions could be:
Has your partner noticed a drop in his libido over the years?
Does he masturbate? (it’s a healthy thing for him to do, but if he’s doing it a lot more than being intimate with you, it may need tweaking)
Does he enjoy being sexual with you/alone?
What does he like about each?
How is his general health? How is your relationship apart from sex?
Time your conversations and don’t go over about 20 minutes until you get used to talking. It can be exhausting and stressful if you’re not used to it.
Men are often expected to have higher desire levels than women, and the reasons for this are too complicated and numerous to explore here. But the result of that expectation is that men can feel embarrassed or defensive when they’re the lower desire partner, and can be hurtful and rejecting to cover their feelings.
The female partner will often take their partner’s low desire personally, particularly if they feel rejected, and over time is likely to lose confidence. Underneath the loss of confidence, there may be an unhelpful belief that “if I was attractive enough, my male partner would fancy me more”. But it’s rarely that simple, because – shock horror! Men aren’t the sex-mad simpletons they’re portrayed to be, and are as susceptible to fatigue, stress, hormone imbalances, relational worries and low confidence, as women.
It’s important to know that there’s nothing wrong with either of you, or your levels of desire. His libido may not be a sign of anything worrying and he may be very happy with it. If that’s the case, it’s back to you and how you can look after your own needs in between sexy times with your partner.
Get yourself a lovely sex toy, some yummy lube, and carve out a bit of time to make love to yourself. Remember that your attractiveness to others has nothing to do with your partners libido, and orgasmic women tend to feel better about themselves and more attractive too. You deserve to enjoy yourself sexually as much as you want/need, but you may not get to do that with your partner every time.