Status threesomes


Do you think threesomes or more, can bring an extra something to a relationship or are they destructive in the long run? My partner asked me if I’d be into it and I am, but not if it’s going to damage our relationship.


Going outside the relationship has great potential for mind-blowing excitement and for disaster. It really depends on how strong the relationship is, as well as the genuine interest of each partner in this type of play as it’s not okay to be pushed into something like this if it’s not for you. It tends to work better if both partners are confident and non-possessive lovers.

It’s worth figuring out if a threesome is simply a fantasy rather than a plan. Sometimes partners get turned on by the fantasy, and being able to share it can be enough. You need to talk, talk and then talk some more about it. If you’re good communicators this will be easy, but if you aren’t, that’s the first skill you need to improve on together.

Do your research online or buy a book. Discuss who you would want as the third party and how you’d involve them. It is vitally important to agree that one of you can pull out at any time, even on the night or during the experience. It has to be okay to change your mind without causing a fight or feeling pressure.

Picking the third party needs a lot of thought. I would suggest someone you don’t know and won’t see again in your daily lives as a starter as it tends to be less threatening. Find singles looking for hook-ups with couples online and then all three of you meet for a coffee and a chat in advance to ensure you’re a good fit.

You need to discuss the minute details regarding the boundaries for all three of you. Be clear about what sexual acts are on and off the cards for each of you and how and where you want to be touched. Some acts may feel too intimate or personal, for example, some don’t want kissing on the mouth. Some straight couples are keen to have same sex experiences under these circumstances. The important thing is that all three of you know in advance what’s acceptable so nobody will be put under pressure on the night.

Safety if vital so bring condoms and lube and choose your venue carefully. A neutral space may be best, such as a hotel, and treat the third party with respect. Then discuss the experience fully afterwards, to learn what did and didn’t work. If you can get all these elements right, you could have a fantastic time and there’s no reason to expect the relationship to be damaged as long as everyone is respected and cared for, and everything is transparent.



Status kink


Hi. I’m one of those women who read 50 Shades and loved it. I was excited and kind of ashamed at the same time, that it found it so sexy. I liked the idea of this man who knows everything, would sweep me off my feet and all I’d have to do is lie there and learn new things about myself. No responsibility and no effort on my part. What a fantasy! But I also liked the idea of being dominated or tied up. I’m a busy mum of three (teens) and I have a lovely partner. We have good sex but it’s not exciting really. I sure don’t want anything extreme or dangerous, but I’d like to experiment. How can I tell my partner?


The best definition I’ve heard for “kink”, is “anything that is out of your comfort zone”. For one person the idea of being tied up is kinky, and for another, trying a different sexual position could feel kinky. It’s relative. You want to expand your sexual repertoire, and have been inspired by 50 Shades. Welcome to the tribe of millions of kinky women all over the world!

While I’m all for a bit of kink, it’s important that you don’t take too much guidance from that book because the relationship it describes is not safe, consent-based or ethical. Being ethical is vital, so all the movies and adds and books and shows that depict kink as something that you can surprise your partner with, are nonsense. A big reason for this is that you just don’t know what your partners (or your own) triggers are until you start playing. For one person, the idea of being tied loosely to a bed with silk scarves is sensual and sexy, but for their partner, it might spark fear or panic. No matter what gentle game you might want to try, it’s important that you talk it through in advance and make sure both of you are 100% on board, with the option to back out at any stage. When you say you’d like to try being tied up by your partner, it’s possible that you will have very different pictures in your heads, and if you don’t clarify, one or both of you could get an unpleasant surprise.

I suggest you bring up the book and ask your partner to read it, or a bit of it and then discuss it over a glass of wine. Ask questions and really listen to each other. Talk details and talk limits. You may want to list your soft limits ( those that you think are fixed, but that you’re curious to have pushed a little), and your hard limits (those that are never to be pushed). Choose a non-sexual safe word so you can stop any play at any time (a word you’d never say in bed).

And remember:
Men like Christian Grey are fantasy. So if you want a bit of that, you may need to explore role-play as well.

Have fun!


Status cross-dressing


I’m a 53 year old man and I enjoy dressing in women’s clothes sometimes. I don’t want to be a woman or to wear women’s clothes in public. I just like the feel of silky undies and other delicates against my skin. I find it arousing and sexy for me. I’ve been married but it didn’t work out (not because of this), and since then I’ve had one girlfriend. After about a year I felt ready to show her what I liked. She said it was disgusting and I looked ridiculous and we broke up soon after. I’m ready to date again and I’m wondering if there’s a good way to tell someone I like women’s undergarments, as I don’t want to be made to feel so horrible again.


Thank you for your experience and question. It’s not that uncommon for men to enjoy dressing in female underwear and outerwear. I get it! Women have gorgeous, interesting and sexy stuff whereas men are very limited in what they can wear next to their skin. There’s also the thrill of wearing something that you’re not supposed to wear. It’s kind of naughty and taboo. But because it’s taboo, many people struggle with the concept, let alone being faced with a man in suspenders and stockings!

It sounds like you had a very unpleasant experience with your ex, but it may not be that surprising if you simply appeared in lingerie, without giving her any warning. That would be a big shock for anyone. The men I’ve spoken to who enjoy dressing this way tend to opt for the “ambush” approach because they’re afraid that if they ask permission, they’ll be shut down before they get started. It’s true to say that in some circumstances it’s easier to say “sorry” than to ask for permission. But this is never, ever the case when it comes to sexuality, sexual behaviours/practices, or anything that involves another person. They have a right to be asked in advance, and they have a right to say “no”.

Difficult as it is, the most ethical way to approach this is to tell your date up front, that this is something you like to do and that you’d like to bring it into the bedroom sometimes. Let them think about it, research it and talk it through with you. If they decide you’re not for them, fair enough. But at least nobody got hurt, or shamed, and you didn’t take a person’s chance to give consent away.

You might want to try looking for dates on some of the kink sites such as Figure out how important this is for you, how much you need to bring it into the bedroom, if you need it to get turned on, and if you can leave it out of the bedroom some of the time. Once you know these things you’ll be better able to explain to others, and they’ll appreciate your honesty.



I have an amazing, clever, loving and creative boy of 10. He’s always loved dressing up in his sister’s clothes, having his hair done and putting on make-up. We’ve always allowed this at home but not beyond. Now he wants to wear girly clothes and grow his hair, and only play with girls, all the time. Mornings are becoming battles as we fight over what he’ll wear. We don’t want him to get bullied and want to encourage him to get past this phase so he fits in. How can we help him?


This is a great question as it becomes more common for people of all ages to express themselves in non-binary ways. The old binary explanation of gender (everyone has to be either male or female) is outdated and unhelpful. As science and medicine slowly begin to acknowledge what many ancient civilisations have always known: gender is how a person feels, and may not be dictated by their genitals.

It sounds like you’ve given your son a wonderful opportunity to be himself so far and that he really enjoys the freedom. And while for some kids dressing differently from the norm is a phase, for others it’s the start of a genuine expression of who they are.

The first thing is to figure out how you feel about your son continuing to dress how he wants. He may grow out of it, but if he’s insisting on dressing his own way, when it’s causing arguments, there may be more to it. Either way, learning all you can about all the possibilities, and then figuring out how you feel yourself, will help you to understand how best to support him.

Have several short talks with him about how he feels and why he likes his choice of clothes. Take him seriously and don’t diminish how he’s feeling. That in itself will mean a lot. Tell him how much you love him and how proud of him you are, and give him space to explore his feelings with you without being judged. has some good resources to help people understand transgender issues which may feel a bit full on at this stage. But as I’m writing this response I realise I don’t know of any good resource for parents of children who like dressing in a non-binary way, without it meaning the child may be transgender.

I wish you well and if you want to mail me personally for any ongoing advice you’re very welcome.